As if it's not bad enough...
First it was the criminalization of melody in music (don't tell me you haven't noticed that there hasn't been a tuneful song on the radio in about 15 years), then it was those god forsaken reality shows, and as if all that wasn't bad enough, through all of that we've had to deal with the increasing banality and irritation of these stupid cell phones. Now there's some dipstick bunch of lawmakers (the wrinkled up ol' farts) who wanna take away the last peaceful cellphone free zone, passenger aircraft. Did you copy that? They wanna make it legal (and safe) to bring and use cellphones onboard aircraft. Oh kill me now.
I hate cellphones. Hate em'. They're going to be the ruination of civilization. You can't hold a conversation with anyone anymore without being interrupted by the ringing of these Chicklet sized, brain frying, breakdown inducing, craptabulous bundles of juicy turds! I think the third thing I'll do when I'm elected King ( right behind cutting down all roadside shrubbery and signage for at least 15 feet from the road edge (you have no idea how many times I've been nearly killed because Aunt Emily's rhododendron, or a yard sale sign blocked my view) , and mandating that all truly crappy people have the words "Grade A A@#Hole" tattooed on their forehead (just so there'll be no doubt... )), is make it illegal to call those irritating ring tones, 'ring tones'. I will officially make it a crime to call them anything other than 'the sorry crap I downloaded onto my phone because I'm incredibly inconsiderate, and too much of a coward to actually jab a pencil into your ear, which is what I would really rather do... tone'.
Call waiting is just about as bad. I don't mind if I'm talking to someone on a business line, because that's just the cost of doing business. But If I've called you at home, and especially if you called me at home, you dang well better not take a call from somebody else and make me wait, or I'm gonna kick you right in the taint when I see you next. I don't have call waiting, I don't need call waiting, I consider call waiting to be the rudest thing invented in the last 20 years aside from thong underwear for fat people.
Besides all that, what in the name of God are all you people talking about? I had a dear friend call me a while back that I hadn't seen in 10 years. We talked 10 minutes. It was plenty. Let me repeat. We talked for ten minutes, we covered all the bases, we said all we had to say. In fact most of the last three minutes was 'uh huh', and 'well what about that' until the conversation really began to taper off. Now all ya'll know I love to talk, but not if I can't see your face. If I can't see you, really watch your expression, what's the point? I talk on the phone about 5 times a month, and that's about three times too many.
In closing, may I suggest that the best thing that could happen to this country is the following;
1 - All music must have at least four different notes in the melody.
2 - The next reality show will be... The live execution of all parties involved in creating or appearing in reality shows in the first friggin' place.
And finally;
3 - The destruction and illegalization of all cell phone towers nationwide. I used to want to bust up all the individual phones with a ball peen hammer, but now think it would be far more satisfying to see all these people walking around like stunned sheep in a slaughter-house wondering what they're gonna do now that their Chicklet sized, brain frying, breakdown inducing, craptabulous bundles of juicy turds don't even make a good paperweight.
FOTNO
